Magical Mystery Poker Tour

Kings Woe, Sick Bed and Steven Seagal

3 min read

Time for an update - I’ve been laid low for the last five days with a nasty ear infection which spread to my glands resulting in one side of my face swelling up, leaving me with a passing resemblance to one of the villains from “The Hills Have Eyes”. The symptoms started on Thursday afternoon, and I figure they contributed to my woeful performance at Loose Cannon on Thursday night where I lost £300 in the cash game.

The cash table was fun, involving Wilkinson, Honest Dave, Tony R and The Baron, but I played too aggressively to get down to £150 and then called an all in against The Baron where I was clearly behind during an Omaha hand. My body was grateful for the chance to go and get some sleep, but ultimately failed to fight off the infection and I was incapacitated for five days.

The £50 tournament beforehand was the last outing before the league final, and I put in my best performance in a live tournament since Vegas. I was aggressive pre and post flop and made some good reads. I hit the final table with about 9k in chips, which was well above average, before my challenge was cut off at the knees. I got my chips all in pre-flop holding KK against Ben’s AK in a 16k pot, but an Ace arrived on the flop to virtually kill my challenge. Hopefully this performance can give me something to build on.

One upside of my illness, was that I was able to watch a number of films from my sickbed. However, one item in the batch was UNQUESTIONABLY the worst film I have ever scene and I can’t dissuade my readers strongly enough from watching it. I guess I only have myself to blame, seeing as the item in question was Steven Seagal’s latest straight to DVD offering “Kill Switch”.

Some observations:

  1. Seagal has put on weight. A lot of weight. He still retains the small piercing eyes and slick back hair, but now resembles some strange puffer fish.

  2. Seagal has adopted a bizarre Deep South accent. The film is set in Memphis to be fair, but it is just ridiculous. His character also calls all his male colleagues “Baby” after every sentence, leaving Seagal’s character reminding me of Scotty Nguyen crossed with a white Barry White.

  3. The action scenes are ludicrous, using multi repeat action moments. At one point Seagal throws a character over a table and the action is repeated 5 times. The film would only be 65 minutes long if it wasn’t for the repetition shots.

4)The villain is called Lazerus and is described as an “ingenious serial killer”. He isn’t. He sports a handlebar moustache, looks like one of the village people and likes astrology.

  1. Seagal’s adherence to police protocol is slack to say the least. In one scene he tortures a suspect by pulling his front teeth out. After obtaining the required information, Seagal leaves, but a gunfight ensues in the street. The suspect, finally gives up and runs away. However, at this point Seagal shoots him in the back, killing him instantly. The police arrive and Seagal tells them to clean up the mess.

A shocking film. We could make a better fist of an action thriller using a mobile on a Thursday night at the Loose Cannon.

Anyhow - it’s the League Final tomorrow so I’ll be trying to win a seat at the £500 UKPT side event at the Vic next week. You never know, perhaps that might kickstart my poor form this month.